


The Perils of Dating A Comedian

by witchway



Series: The Perils Of Dating Tony Stark [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, College Student Peter Parker, Gay Jokes, Homophobia, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Tony Has Issues, recycled gay jokes from the 80's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-18 05:55:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21506227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchway/pseuds/witchway
Summary: “He’s a hedonist.  Don’t worry about it kid.  Just ignore him.  He’ll get over you and we can all get back to normal,” Rhodey said dismissively, walking away, leaving Peter red-faced and gaping.“Over me?”“Over me??”“When was I under him?”
Relationships: Peter Parker/Tony Stark, Starker - Relationship, Tony Stark/Peter Parker
Series: The Perils Of Dating Tony Stark [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1520855
Comments: 8
Kudos: 145





	1. The Big Blue From Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avenger Parties seemed to becoming more frequent, it seemed to Peter. Many people said Tony, like many people in the know, were partying "Like it's 1999." (A Gen X'er way of saying "Partying Like The Over-Alien Is Going To Arrive At Any Minute.")

“Don’t worry about it kid. Just ignore him. He’ll get over you and we can all get back to normal.”

War Machine’s advice was not in the least bit helpful for the youngest Avenger on the compound who had become, and rightly so, more than a little alarmed by Mr. Stark’s behavior.

It seemed like ever since the Avengers had encountered real _aliens from space_ , the so-called Guardians of the Galaxy, and learned about various planets, each with their own threats, and the threat of the eventual Thanos (the Avengers took to referring to it as the _Over-Alien,_ although Tony preferred _The Big Blue From Space_ ) that was setting out on a mission to massacre half of the universe, well, Tony had gotten weird. 

(Or maybe Tony had always been weird and Peter had never noticed before?)

No, actually, many Avengers had noticed it too. Tony’s inappropriate humor had always been a feature, not a bug, but recently it had been dialed up to 11. 11? Try 69. It wasn’t just that he was calling Peter “Underoos” again. It was more. Innuendos when people asked for facts. Dirty jokes when people asked for opinions. Double-entendres about the must mundane topics, to the point where no one could even ask ‘where are we going for dinner?’ 

And all of them, _every single one of them_ , seemed to be of the homosexual variety.

To the point that Peter was beginning to fear that his hero, his idol and his fantasy-mentor (and his real life mentor for years now) was actually a homophobe.

“A homophobe? THE Tony Stark?? Nah kid, Tony is an unabashed Trisexual. He’ll try anything….and he never made any bones about it….”

Both of them winced, both of them turned to look even though they knew Tony wasn’t in the room. You couldn’t say the word ‘bones’ around Tony anymore, or any vaguely sexual word, including the word ‘it.’ That’s how bad it had gotten.

“Wait…..wait……are you saying….Tony is Bi?” Peter asked, blinking, _trying_ to look surprised. _Trying_ not to look overeager. _Trying_ not to look like a kid who had actually recently gotten some information about three months ago and was **_desperate_** to confirm it. Trying not to look like he had cornered Rhodey in an empty conference room _just to ask this question._

“No,” said Rhodey.

Peter’s shoulders sagged.

“He’s a hedonist. Don’t worry about it kid. Just ignore him. He’ll get over you and we can all get back to normal,” Rhodey said dismissively, walking away, leaving Peter red-faced and gaping.

“Over me?”

“Over me??”

_“When was I under him?”_

* * * *

There were many theories about Tony’s new behavior, but Peter couldn’t find any that agreed with Rhodey….that it had something to do with _him_.

Fury blamed the Avengers state-of-readiness for over a year that resulted in absolutely nothing, no visit from the Ultimate Badguy bent on destroying half of Earth. 'Stress made people cranky' seemed to be his theory, and Tony’s new tourettes’ syndrome was just a symptom of that stress.

Bruce ( _not_ a common feature around the compound for the last year but _very_ good for information when he was around) pointed out that Tony didn’t like crowds unless they were cheering for him. “He doesn’t actually work well with others, he forces himself to work with others, thus all the grants and outsourcing, but it’s a lot of effort. If he can’t got for 3 minutes without making a dirty joke, maybe he just needs to go back into hiding for a while. We’re all hermits, after a fashion.” Peter hoped desperately that wasn’t true (he didn’t WANT Tony to go into hiding) but he certainly took Bruce’s perspective seriously. He knew a lot about Tony. And a lot about hermits. 

Black Widow would probably have the _best_ explanation for Tony’s odd behavior. Analyzing human behavior was her job. But Nat wasn’t talking.

So Peter soldiered on. He was the only Avenger who went to training and attended meetings in full costume, mask on at all times. The story was it was to protect his secret identity. The truth was, the mask covered all facial expressions. Tony’s obscenities, no matter how constant, still took him by surprise. Under the mask, no one could see him blush.

Because truth be told, so many of those inappropriate jokes seemed to be aimed at _him_.

Most Avengers seemed to agree that the new Rated R version of Tony Stark corresponded with the visit from the storied Guardians of the Galaxy. But in Peter’s mind, it also seemed to start the same day he turned 20 years old, and bragged, in Tony’s hearing, that he had celebrated with a _special_ party in Boystown. He had done it very much on purpose – it had been part of his plan. 

Only the results were not….good. Almost overnight Tony had a dirty joke for everything; every bad guy needed a good fucking, every soldier in a hurry was on his way to get some action and every complaint from Peter was an indication that he needed to get laid. 

Tony had always joked a lot, but now the jokes were not only gay-related, they were downright _hostile_. Peter had never heard the word ‘faggot’ on the Avenger’s compound before (the entire compound, Avengers and military alike, knew Caps’ “Language” rule) and he heard it out of Tony’s mouth that very night. It was Peter’s birthday dinner in one of the compound’s dining rooms where Tony had asked for a ‘real drink for me, not some faggoty ass waterdown drink. We’ll save that for Pete.” 

(That was the day Peter realized his life would be better if he just kept the mask on at all times.)

Finally, after a great deal of soul-searching about his Get Tony Stark Into Bed plan and whether or not he even wanted to be in the same _room_ with that man, he cornered the two people he considered the best informed, Nat and Rhodey, and demanded answers.

* * * *

“Kid…you’re _smart_. Don’t let him rile you up.” That was Rhodey, who seemed a little hostile himself. He clearly did _not_ want to be having this conversation. 

“But that’s what I don’t get….why is this about _me_?”

Rhodey and Nat exchanged a look.

Then Nat looked at him, and seemed to make a decision.

“Parker, you announced you were gay, sexually active and legally of age all in the same sentence.”

Peter wished, for a moment, he still had his mask on. Apparently he hadn’t been as subtle that night as he had thought.

“So….wait…..are you saying this is him…. _flirting_ with …..me?”

Nat shrugged. “Little girls get their ponytails pulled by boys who have crushes on them every day. They learned to live with it.”

"No they don’t” Peter countered. “My friend MJ had her hair pulled by a boy in 3rd grade who said he like liked her and he got sent to counseling."

Rhodey rolled his eyes and said murmured something about Millennials.

“Gen Z,” Peter pointed out, raising a hand.

“Exactly – Gen X jokes are going to sound wrong to Gen Z ears…..”

“Wrong? Half of what comes out of his mouth could be considered sexual harassment in 50 states!”

“Parker!” That was Rhodey again. “I’ve seen these hyperfixations before. They go away. You’re smart, right? DON’T fall for him, DON’T let him talk you into bed. Just wait for it to pass.”

“Let him….talk me into……”

“Kid, don’t do it.” That was Nat. “If Pepper Potts couldn’t tame that mess no one can.”

Nat gave a nod to Rhodey, who took it as a cue to exit, leaving the two of them alone together.

“Look,” she said gently. “No one will tell you to your face, but we’re all looking forward to when you leave for school again. Tony will tone it down after you leave. And if you stay away long enough, he’ll just get over you. 

“I can see what you’re thinking, Peter, and _you don’t want to do this_. Tony has _always_ been a comedian. This is just a new routine. You think if you let him finesse you into bed, this will get any easier for you? You’re _Gen Z_ , you talk about your feelings. Tony just talks in one-liners. Obscene one-liners.

“It’s _work_ dating a comedian, kid. Hard work.

“You need to keep that in mind.”

* * * * *

Tired of walking around with a mask on daily, and lonely for his friends (who knew the difference between flirting and Hostile Work Environment) Peter took Nat’s advice and left early. Back in New York he spent his weeks before the semester began researching the psychology of humor, and the sociological limitations of being gay in the 80’s. It was eye-opening. Also appalling. 

But the psychology of humor was very interesting – Peter read that when a group, any group, laughed together, the individuals would instinctively glance at the person they felt connected with. The article suggested reading room to ‘learn who is secretly sleeping together’ but in general the article dealt with office culture and social hierarchies. Still, the tidbit was confusing. 

Every time the group laughed together, Tony always seemed to be glancing at _him_.

But the longer he spent away from Tony the more the offensive jokes faded in his memory and the more he remembered just how _bad_ his crush on the man had become (and exactly how far he was into his detailed plan to get into Tony’s pants!) 

He wasn’t expecting to actually run into the _actual_ man in New York any time soon, but within a week he did. The Avenger Parties seemed to becoming more frequent, it seemed to Peter. Many people said Tony, like many people in the know, were partying "Like it's 1999." (A Gen X'er way of saying "Partying Like The Over-Alien Is Going To Arrive At Any Minute.")

At least this was only the 2nd one in 2 months. Peter secretly wondered vaguely if it was a ploy to make him hang with the Avengers with his face showing – he was invited to attended these things in suit as “Mr. Stark’s intern.” 

Walking into the party he felt, very suddenly, unarmed (more specifically, unarmored.) He had relied so much on his mask to hide his face whenever Tony was inappropriate.

That’s why he silently determined to just avoid Tony altogether.


	2. Consider the Perils

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "New generation, Tony. They don’t care what you DID 20 years ago, all they care about is what you’re doing now, and what you’re doing now is recycling gay jokes from the 80’s."

Tony stiffed at the sight of Peter holding a glass of wine. It didn’t matter how many times he reminded himself (or Peter) that Peter was now of age. It still struck him as _wrong_.

But not as wrong as Bruce’s arm around Peter’s shoulders.

He had already passed them once, talking a mile-a-minute with Bruce and Dr. Cho about the tech behind the cradle. He couldn’t begrudge Bruce and Peter their shop talk (although the double twinges of jealousy took him by complete surprise. He and Bruce had been so long ago...) 

Mostly, he was just irritated that the kid seemed to be avoiding him.

But now – oh this definitely was not right. 

He couldn’t be caught staring, so he made his rounds, taking in furtive glances at the two across the room. He must have been mistaken about the arm, Peter and Bruce and some other tech guys were just talking now, and it looked perfectly normal.

Then he lost sight of them.

Then he caught them again, standing by the window alone. 

They weren’t talking shop, that was certain. Bruce had his arm on Peter’s back, was leaning over, was speaking directly into his ear. Acceptable in a loud, crowded room, but they were far away enough from the crowd - they didn't _need_ to be talking _that close_ to each other! - to make Tony see red.

Especially when Peter grinned, ducked his head, then turned and said something into _Bruce’s_ ear.

What Bruce said next made Peter laugh and cover his face, and that’s when Nat appeared in front of him and said “Don’t be jealous. They’re talking about you.”

She turned her head to ignore his gape. She pretended to scan the room as she spoke. “Not that I care, Tony, but if you really want to hook up with a Gen Z you are _going_ to have to clean up your act. Reinstate Steve’s “language” rule. Poor kid thinks you’re a homophobe."

“What….. _me_?”

He respected Nat’s intelligence, so when she looked at him _that_ way, he took it seriously.

“New generation, Tony. They don’t care what you DID 20 years ago, all they care about is what you’re doing _now_ , and what _you’re_ doing now is recycling gay jokes from the 80’s. He honestly thought you were mad at him. Just…go…flirt with him like a normal person. Take him on _date_. He’s into you – he’s quizzed everyone who knows you about your sex life.”

* * * * *

Peter left the party grinning from ear to ear.

Even though he never actually spoke to Tony that night. The man disappeared from his own party, but no one thought that was particularly unusual. Nat, at least, seemed to think that way. She gave him a warning look when he asked after the man, but when she spoke, she was gentle.

“Consider the perils of dating a comedian, Peter.”

“Yeah you told me that.”

“The Millennials way is to exchange facts about emotions. Comedians just exchange one-liners.”

“I’ll take that under advisement,” Peter said, but he couldn’t help but smile.

He went downstairs to the car Tony had waiting for him, smiling all the way.

He had found out a LOT from Bruce that night, information he needed, information he intended to use.

But that wasn’t the _best_ part.

“Consider the perils of dating a comedian” he said to himself as he raced down the stairwell to the garage.

He didn’t have to speak Tony’s language, _he just had to understand it._ He could identify the intent, while simply _ignoring_ the actual words.The litany of inappropriate humor wasn’t an attack or a slight, it was a sign of interest. He didn't have to give up his ultimate plan to get Tony Stark in bed, he just had to re-calibrate.

In fact, he was much further along the timeline than he had even hoped.

 _Black Widow herself_ had confirmed it.

“Consider the perils of dating a comedian” he whispered to himself when Tony’s driver took him home.

“Consider the perils of dating a comedian” he murmured to himself as he lay on his bed in his dormroom that night.

He went to sleep with a smile on his face.

Because all he could think was…

“... _Nat_ thinks I’ve got a chance to date Tony Stark!”

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my series The Perils Of Dating Tony Stark.
> 
> There is no sex in this particular story.
> 
> Believe me - there is a LOT of sex in the stories that come next in the series.
> 
> Enjoy.


End file.
